


“Picky”

by Sphonza



Category: Stray Kids, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chapter 6 isn’t a chapter, Depression, Eating Disorder, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Slow Burn, attempted comedy, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2020-12-17 12:47:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21054659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphonza/pseuds/Sphonza
Summary: He always said he was “picky” but was that ever really the case?TW for Anorexia and Depression





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ back with an actual story! I’m finally getting this one up and running, hence the trigger warnings in the summary, they’re there for a reason! I hope by the end of this atleast one person smiles, that’s the one gaol for this fic. Stay safe<3

Felix was a picky eater, atleast that’s what he told everyone. 

It all started back when he was 13, he wasn’t sure exactly why it started, but he remembered the exact day when he looked in the mirror and realised how far he was. 

Nobody else say this, Felix was extremely skinny and always had been, but he couldn’t help but notice the fat that covered his ribs, how his arms were to wide and his legs seemed to have to much fat on them.

He remembered when the voice of it strolled it not invited, but appreciated by Felix none the less.

Back then he didn’t know it was wrong, he would eat as little as possible, and that three weeks of only eating about 8 apples felt like an eternity, when he realised it really hadn’t been that long, he broke down, he remembered smiling and laughing with his friends, then his mind starting to flood with those thoughts, he excused himself and ran to the bathroom, he wished someone would notice his pain, but at the same time, he hoped no one could ever find out.

It couldn’t be that big of a deal, could it? He skipped out a few meals but it wasn’t like he was really hurting himself, it’s no like he straight up stopped eating forever.

When it hit the 27 day mark he couldn’t handle it anymore, he couldn’t handle lying all the time, he was so mentally exhausted nowadays, he struggled to go dance and see his friends because he simply couldn’t muster the energy to even leave his room.

Eventually he got better, on his own, he was proud of that, but the voice never really left, it left a small burning shame in the back of his mind that he tried to ignore as long as he could.

-

Felix woke to the bright light shining into the dorm, he smiled and sat up, prying Jisung of him so that he could rub his eyes, the other had been cold that night and decided Felix’s bed was warmest, he climbed in and latched himself onto the younger, not that Felix minded, it made him happy that he made his members happy.

Somehow without discussion the team had decided if they couldn’t sleep, they should automatically go to Felix. Felix went to solo practice every night, on occasion joined by the other danceracha members, they usually left earlier than him though, he tended to leave around 3am. Sometimes Felix would get home and there’d already be someone sleeping in his bed, he always laughed softly when that happened.

The members noticed Felix’s absence but never commented on it.

Felix yawned and put his hand over his mouth as he slowly climbed out the bed not wanting to wake the squirrel. 

When the mission was a success he left the room he shared with Changbin and Woojin and walked into the living room.

“Hey Lix.” Seungmin smiled from the counter where he was making his coffee as Felix turned around to smile at him.

“Morning Minnie, you’re up early?” 

“Went to bed early too, how come your up? You got in late last night.” 

“How’d you know if you were asleep?”

“Because you always do.” Seungmin shrugged.

Felix smiled at that, everyone always knew were the other members were, he found comfort in that.

Seungmin stretches dramatically as he picked up his coffee and sat beside Felix.

“Have a good sleep atleast?” Seungmin tilted his head, Felix nodded in response.

Seungmin smiled and guided Felix’s head to his shoulder, he felt soft when the other sighed contently.

They sat like this for a few minutes, it was silent, but it was such a comfortable silence, that’s one of the things he loved about being around Felix, you knew you could be yourself around him, if you wanted to talk about the most random thing or not talk at all and Felix wouldn’t mind, he’s just smile knowingly.

Between everyone in the group Seungmin felt him and Felix were the most perceptive, they always seemed to know what the others were feeling, sometimes before the others even knew themselves.

Seungmin appreciates how kind and caring Felix was, but it sometimes scared him how the shorter would literally ignore his own health to help someone, he admired Felix’s determination to help others, but he wished the other would care about himself every once in awhile too.

“I’m gonna make pancakes, you want any?” Seungmin poked their others cheeks and smiled.

“No thanks.” 

“Really?! You’re turning down my famous pancakes?!” Seungmin gasped and but his hand over his heart.

Felix laughed softly, “I wouldn’t say famous Minnie~ don’t take offence though I’m just not hungry.” 

“Your loss.” Seungmin shrugged as he got up and started to bake them, Felix and him keeping a steady conversation going about what made the sky so beautiful.

Minho yawned at the doorway, as he saw the two talking, he couldn’t help but smile. He loved his members to death, at moments like these he felt that live grow even more somehow, he didn’t think it was possible but somehow it was. He loved seeing them happy, even if they had moved on to arguing about cloud colour.

“When they turn purple they’re prettiest!” Felix scrunched his nose at the younger as he opened his mouth to argue.

“I think you’ll find when they’re pinky orange they’re prettiest, don’t make me fist fight you Felix, this is the most right I’ve ever been in my life.” Felix and Minho both snorted at that.

Minho sat down beside Felix and threw an arm around the younger’s shoulder, “I’ve gotta admit Minnie, Lix is right.”

“Haha! Told you so Minnie!” Felix smiled triumphantly as he high fives Minho.

Seungmin just huffed in response, smiling despite himself.

“Thank god it finally stopped!” Jeongin walked into the room with a disapproving look, “both of you are so wrong, but I’m not ready to start a war someone make coffee, please hyungs,” he groaned as he sat on the other side of Felix, putting his head on the older chest.

“Is this a Felix cuddle party?” Hyunjin smiled as he walked into the room, he smirked before jumping onto the members on the coach, laughing at their unamused, yet smiling faces.

“It’s a Felix hostage party, I sure as hell didn’t sign up for it.” Felix smiled at the others protests.

Seungmin jumped onto Felix’s lap and fell dramatically over Minho, “oh how could you say that?!” He put his hand over his face making crying noises.

“It’s to early for this.” Felix rolled his eyes good naturedly, “I would like to point out I’m in the perfect position to push all of you into the floor.” 

Felix smirked at the others complaints before resting into Minho again. The older stuck on a k-drama, and for about twenty minutes there was complete silence. In that time the other members drifted into the room. Somehow they fitted nine people on a three seater couch, admittedly they were proud of that fact.

Since Seungmin was being squashed by his members Woojin decided to be kind and go finish making the pancakes. Jisung jumped on up started getting played out.

About five minutes after that everyone was at the table eating, minus Felix, he took the opportunity to have a shower instead.

Felix sighed as he looked in tho mirror, he had gotten so fat again, he scrunched his face in disgust as he ran his hands over his couple of viewable ribs, he was too fat, they shouldn’t be covered by fat at all.

Felix never noticed when the voice came back anymore, he just accepted that when it came, he had to listen, sometimes he was desperate for it to come back, he trusted it so much, so many people had left him, but through it all the voice never really left him, it stayed with him through it all, comforting him with low self-esteem and hunger.

He dries himself angrily, how could he let himself get this fat again? The members always complained about how he ate the least. But to Felix it always felt like he ate too much, but the voice seemed content with just watching so he never saw the problem, not until now atleast.

He pulled on his jeans and hoodie and walked out of the bathroom, smiling as he saw his members.

“Hey Felix, we saved you some food!” Changbin smiled at the younger as he patted the seat beside him, most the members had dispersed and went to get changed and shower, it was only Felix, Changbin and Jeongin left in the room.

“No thanks hyung I’m not hungry.” Felix smiled at the two still eating and sat down on the couch instead.

Changbin hates how skinny the younger had gotten lately. He had always been skinny, the first time they had met Changbin remembered being shocked by it, but it worried him now more than ever when he noticed how even the  
belts were now loose on the younger’s waist.

Jeongin noticed it too, he knew the other never really ate much, he never really thought of it being a problem, not until recently when he noticed the older slowly stopped eating at all.

Felix never suspected that the members knew something was up, they knew that, they wanted to keep it that way, per Chan’s request nobody was to bring it up until everyone was sure the time was right.

The problem was nobody ever knew what the lilac haired was thinking, he was so good at hiding how he felt, it was honestly scary.

Back when they were trainees before debut it was no secret that if Felix made a mistake in korean, he would completely spiral. But he was so good at hiding how he felt when it happened, that they only found out when they heard him crying in the early hours of the morning. 

Felix never saw a problem with bottling up his own problems, nobody needed to know how worthless and lonely he felt, they never signed up to deal with it. 

That’s always how Felix had thought about his own feelings, but if any of the other members were hurting and didn’t tel the others immediately, Felix would be so disapproving, saying about how it wasn’t good to bottle emotions and they could all count on each other no matter what, that’s why Hyunjin found it funny in a sense that Felix never did that himself.

Hyunjin and Felix spent many late nights at the studio together, whenever this happened one way or another they’d share the negative feelings, they enjoyed helping each other, and it was a good dynamic to have. It wasn’t just that that made Hyunjin love the younger, he genuinely loved spending time with him.

Hyunjin could see the tip of the iceberg. Felix had opened up slightly and talked about how worthless and sad he was, how he never felt good enough and cared so much but at the same time didn’t. Hyunjin knee they only briefly got to talk about when Felix felt like this, usually the younger would shut him down before they could get to deep, but Hyunjin knew it was better than nothing.

It hurt him to see Felix like this, because Felix simply didn’t see what they saw. When Felix danced he felt free, but when he watched back rehearsal videos, all he saw was flaws, what baffled Hyunjin and Minho to no end was the fact that Felix was doing it perfectly so effortlessly yet all he could see was mistakes that weren’t even there. 

Felix felt useless when he rapped, he knew he had a deep voice but when he heard it back it didn’t even sound appealing to him, he never understood how the others liked it, this baffled Chan, Jisung and Changbin to no end because Felix clearly had a talent for rap, but somehow when he heard it, it sounded horrible to him. They didn’t understand that.

Felix knew he couldn’t sing, he still remembered the regret he felt from singing Glow, apparently he had a nice voice, that’s what the members said at least. But he hated it, it just didn’t sound right, to him it didn’t carry the right anything’s about it, this baffled Woojin, Seungmin and Jeongin to no end because Felix had a genuinely sweet and comforting singing voice, the members were absolutely gutted that he refused to use it more.

“Everyone in here ready for practice?” Chan strolled in, face palmed and smiled at the two thirds of the members in the room still being in their pyjamas. “Go get ready, you have ten minutes guys,” Chan called after them as they rushed out.

“You okay, my favourite Australian?” Chan smiled softly at ten younger as he hugged him.

“Yes Chan I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me so much y’know.” Felix smiled at the older as me leaned back against the arm of the sofa, “I can take care of myself, you should worry about the others more, you do remember the fact that Jisung nearly set Woojin on fire because he put cheese in the microwave?” Felix laughed at the recent memory, the panic in the room had been laughable looking back on it now.

“I worry about all of you, probably Jisung the most because nobody can out-stupid him.” Chan sighed massaging his temples. He turned to the younger with twinkling eyes, “your freckles look nice today.”

Chan laughed as Felix’s face grew red and was soon in his hands, Felix let out a muffled groan, “I hate when you do that.”

“You get shy so easy Lixie~” Chan laughed and poked the shorter.

“Shut up, hyung or I’ll set Hyunjin on you.” Felix looked up at his fellow Aussie and smiled.

“Yes I know,” Chan smiled and rolled his eyes.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to get anything to eat Lix? You don’t seem to eat much these days.”

“Yeh I’m good. I eat plenty, you know I’m a pig.”

Felix wasn’t sure what caused the voice to come back whenever it did, whenever he thought about it he couldn’t think of one single  
that cause it, it just came. 

Though he knew it could be triggered he knew it wasn’t the case this time, the last time it had been triggered was during I AM WHO when he saw one negative comment on his body and lost it.

In a way he was grateful how lonely he felt when it ended up happening, it made the lying so much easier, but at the same time nobody really wants to feel lonely.

Chan huffed in response, “we’re all gonna finish early tonight okay? We’re gonna go over all the songs including Lavaneter so make sure to bring something to eat with you in case you get snacky okay?”

Felix smiled, “sure thing.”  
-  
On the way to the studio Hyunjin, Jisung and Felix decided to go on ahead and get the studio ready, if they all waited on Changbin they wouldn’t leave for about another hour.

“I still can’t grasped why she’s so amazed at the fact he took her to the roof.” Hyunjin waves his arms around dramatically as he started talking about one of his favourite shows.

“It’s not exactly a normal place to go.” Jisung and Felix both sniggered as Hyunjin glared at them.

“Yes I know, but she’s all like ‘oh my god?! How’s you find this place.’ “ 

Felix and Jisung cringed at his girl voice.

“I swear I will throw my water over you if you two don’t stop looking at me like that. IT’S A ROOF HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND?!” 

“Ah right now we get it Jinnie, but you can’t throw water over us, not unless you want to get slapped by my wet sleeve.” Felix waved his sweater paws menacingly, Jisung joining in, “imagine it’ll be like getting slapped by Dory.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes and held out his water threateningly, “I will hesitate throwing it on Felix, but you squirrel sir, are another story.”

“Aw I’m loved.” Felix smiled and put his arm around the tallest, “I am: offended.” Jisung crossed his arms and started walking ahead.

“Is that gonna be the name of our new album?” Felix called after him, Jisung turned around and threw him a look, “to think I thought we were soulmates!” Jisung dramatically put his hand over his head lying on the floor sending the others into fits of laughter.

To people walking by they probably looked crazy, but they were to engulfed in their own little world to care.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Losing something but gaining something more helpful, that’s okay, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on the same day with another chapter, hope y’all are having a good day/night.

Chapter 2

Hyunjin has loved Felix since they first met, he remembered the first time he laid eyes on the younger, he felt a connection when he saw Felix’s warm smile aimed at him.

During the elimination show everyone was stressed, Hyunjin noticed Felix focused on keeping his members spirits high.

Hyunjin remembers all those late nights they spent at the studio together, sometimes just making up silly dances to relieve stress, they got closer by doing that, that’s when he started to really get to know who Felix was. It was in the studio that Hyunjin learned about Felix’s fear of horror movies, how the younger spent so many nights wanting to be a dancer, how he was misjudged at school and his general flare for humour and comedy.

It didn’t sound like much, but those were the very first details he learned about Felix, after that he learned so much more, the more he learned the more he loved the younger, but also how much he worried about the younger.

Hyunjin always knew that he was good at dancing, as a young kid he always loved the idea, he had always been a confident dancer because he knew he was good, he knew it was fine to make mistakes because it was all part of the process.

Felix seemed to be the polar opposite, he was amazing at dancing but never saw it himself, he saw mistakes that weren’t even there, and when there was really a mistake (which was rare), he would become so negative, Felix had always been an embarrassed dancer, he hated doing it in front of people, but at the same time it’s what he dreamed of doing. 

Hyunjin admires that about Felix, he’s so afraid, even if he shouldn’t be, but he perseveres because it’s his dream, his has such strong determination you couldn’t help it he amazed.

Felix’s personality was such a rare kind to find, Hyunjin noticed the little things that Felix does for others, how he makes the others coffee before his own, how when they share blankets Felix takes as small amount as possible, how he always had extra water in case anyone needed it, how he showered last, how he always tried to help the 00’ line plus Jeongin with homework and how he always waits on them when their thing their shoelaces.

Hyunjin loved how caring and empathetic the younger was, if anyone ever had a ruff day he always knew what to say, he always knows how to comfort them no matter what the problem was, he was always willing to help when they were struggling with something, he always helped them make food, especially after Woojin’s rice incident.

Hyunjin also loved his comedic Felix was, he always seemed to have a new joke to tell, he was great at telling the funny mishaps the team regularly had, he knew how to make people laugh, he could seriously be a comedian.

One thing Hyunjin learned about Felix that surprised him was that Felix was very self conscious about how he looked. 

During the UNVEIL Tour the two regularly shared rooms, probably more than anyone else did. Hyunjin couldn’t have been happier about this since the two always had a good time together. The first night they played the switch and giggled as they watched comedy skits on YouTube, then fell asleep cuddling into each other.

The next morning was the rehearsal then performance, Hyunjin knew the younger always worried before a performance, but this time it was so different, he was wearing belts that really showed his waist and how skinny he was. Hyunjin always thought Felix looked good so he never thought the other would worry about stage outfits, he never had before, not as far as he knew.

He started noticing it as the rehearsal ended and they were getting ready for the performance, Felix was sitting on the floor like he usually did, fidgeting with his hands. Hyunjin day down beside the shorter and room his smaller hands into his own saying nothing. There was a mirror on the floor on Felix’s side and Hyunjin couldn’t help but notice how he kept side glancing at it.

“Admiring your outfit?” Hyunjin tilted his head as he put his chin on the younger’s hand.

Felix shrugged and looked down, “something like that.”

It carried on like that till twenty minutes before the performance, Felix was leaning on the wall side-eyeing the mirror with a worried look.

Hyunjin has been sitting on the chair watching this, he didn’t quite understand what was up.

Seungmin walked up Felix and pulled him into a hug, “don’t be nervous okay? You’re always amazing when you perform and you look great today.”

Felix said hugged and hugged him back.

Hyunjin pretended to read on his phone as this happened, Seungmin usually hates long hugs but Hyunjin had been pretending to read for the past three minutes and even then it was Felix who pulled away.

After that night it became routine for the two to do this. The performance that night went well, just like every single one.

As time went on Hyunjin became clinger to Felix, the younger was a great person to hug, but the main reason he did it was because it was the only way for him to reassure himself the younger was okay. He started to notice how clothes that fit him snuggly where becoming baggier and his frame was becoming bonier and bonier. 

Hyunjin tried to convince himself that it was only from stress and nothing more.

-

Hyunin couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Jisung’s futile attempt to act out falling on the floor.

“Hyung that wasn’t even close to realistic! You looked like a penguin!” Felix was doubled over in laughter, meanwhile Hyunjin stood there unimpressed,

“Han that was horrible, you should never be an actor.”

“Says you!” Jisung glared at from Felix to Hyunjin taking off his show e and throwing it at the older.

“Hey you can’t throw things at your hyung!” Hyunjin threw the shoe back and stuck his tongue out, burly this point Felix had skunk to the floor still laughing, “even Lix did a better job! And he basically slid down the wall.”

“Felix how could you?!” Jisung put his hand other his heart and he backstrokes his way other to the (barely) younger.

“You trip enough hyung, you’d think you would know how to fall.” Felix grinned as the other punched him in the shoulder.

“The disrespect! I sit with style, I don’t ‘trip’ over, to think you’d hurt your hyung like that!”

Felix rolled his eyes and smiled as he sat up, he rubbed his hips as he picked up the three bags and sat them in the corner beside the couch, they still burned from laughter.

“When do you think the others will get here? There’s not much to do now that we have the music ready.” Hyunjin looked over at two as he butt shuffled to their general direction.

“Chan text saying they’ll be leaving in five, so they shouldn’t be too long.” Felix shrugged.

“Have you guys made any dances lately? It’ll kill the time if I can watch some?” Jisung looked at the two hopefully.

“Lazy, but sure.” Hyunjin smiled as he pulled Felix up, the younger walking over to the plugged in phone.

“Put on Panic Attack?” Hyunjin said as he hit into his position.

This caused a shiver of dread to go through Felix, Hyunin didn’t know enough English to know what the song was about, so when the older had told Felix to pick any song when they had originally made the dance he didn’t see any problem. He really wished he thought it through. Even if Jisung didn’t understand it fully, he’d catch parts of it.

“Are you sure? I mean it’s not our best one...” Felix looked over to the older, silently begging.

“It’s a fun one to dance to, you made it yourself anyway, that’s the only reason you’re hesitant.” Hyunjin smiled softly at the other.

“Hey if Felix made it I wanna see it!” Jisung cheered and Felix had no choice but to put the song on.

Hyunjin didn’t know what the song was about, he loved the beat of it though, the energetic meekness of the song reminded him of Felix in a way. He also loved that for once Felix didn’t seem unsure of himself as he choreographed the dance, Felix did regularly choreograph dances when danceracha held their own practices, but he was always so unsure and afraid to show his ideas to them, Hyunjin loved that Felix knew how to make the song come to life, and for once Felix seemed to know it. Apart from the chorus where the two dances together in perfect synchronisation, Hyunjin took the roll of controlling Felix throughout it, Hyunjin enjoyed the dynamic of the dance because it was similar to the dances for their own songs in a way.

As they did the ending pose, Hyunjin turned around to Jisung and smiled, he was clapping but Hyunjin couldn’t help but be confused by the look he was giving Felix.

Jisung seemed to pick up on this so he beamed at the two and cheered, “that was great!” He jumped up and high fives the two.

Felix smiled at Jisung as he put his arms around the two, “I’m gonna go fill up on water, I’ll be back in a minute.” Felix ducked away and picked up his nearly full water bottle.

“I think he’s embarrassed maybe?” Hyunjin tilted his head as he glanced at the shorter.

“Yeh, maybe.” Jisung shrugged, looking at the now closed door with a sense of confusion. “What made you guys choose that song?”

“Oh Felix chose it! The beat to it’s pretty good though, kinda reminds me of him, y’know?” Hyunjin smiled but tilted his head at the shorter, confused.

“Does it?” Jisung glanced at Hyunjin for a minute before sitting down in the middle of the floor again, “did you ask him why?”

“Why are you being so weird about it? The dance was great so what’s the problem?”

“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it Jinnie, I love when Lix makes dances, I love his dancing, don’t get me wrong I love yours too but Felix’s draws me in because of his style, I just don’t think you understand the song Jinnie.”

“Why? What’s it about?”

“The easiest way to put it is a panic attack.”

-

The others piled into the studio just as Felix came back, the tension from the previous conversation was forgotten as they went into stretching, everybody pairing up with who they usually did.

When the music started the studio became serious, all the members loved this kind of practice, they put all the songs in the playlist, putting the mixtapes in as their water break songs and having two proper breaks in between. 

The group had an amazing dynamic when they danced, that’s something Felix had always loved about it. They were all serious but they enjoyed themselves, and since everyone kinda had their own category of what kind of dancer they were, seeing them all come together and handle the choreography and put their own slight tint in it made Felix smile.

Everyone was tired by the time they hit their first break, it was around three o’clock so the members decided to get dinner early, splitting up into different groups to eat whatever they felt like eating, Chan, Jeongin and Changbin has left already deciding they wanted pizza, Seungmin, Jisung and Minho had decided to go for Korean and the other three (there was only really two of them taking part in the conversation) debated about where to go, they knew they didn’t want what the others where having and that was about it.

“What about going for chicken?” Hyunjin looked at the two.

“Sure but it’s a bit of a walk away?” Woojin shrugged looking at Felix who just shrugged in response.

“Yeh but we’ll make it with plenty of time, unless you fancy something else?” Hyunjin tilted his head.

“Nah I’m good with chicken, what about you Felix?” Woojin poked the younger’s shoulder.

“I think I’m just gonna stay here, I’m not really hunger I be honest.” Felix shrugged.

“Hey you should eat something, we’ve been practicing for a few hours now and you didn’t have anything his morning.” Hyunjin frowned at the younger.

“Yeh Jinnie’s right, besides it’ll be boring being here on your own, and we may or may not need super vision.” Woojin smiled again the younger as he rolled his eyes and giggled.

“Fine I’ll come, like I said I’m not hungry though.”

-

Considering that the three were clumsy the walk to the chicken place was surprisingly uneventful, Felix nearly tripped over to which Woojin interjected a ‘hope you enjoyed your trip’, but apart from that they were surprisingly in one piece.

Somehow the others had badgered Felix into eating something small. He looked at the food with distaste but took a small but anyway, not wanting to worry them.

“The new IT is out Felix, fancy seeing it.” Hyunjin raises an eyebrow knowingly at the younger as Felix threw a straw at him, “only if your the way coming to the bathroom with me at night.” He rolled his eyes crossing his arms.

“Oh so there’s no party in the hallway it’s just you guys travelling to the toilet in a pack?” Woojin smiled as the two groaned.

-

Felix wasn’t sure what he was feeling right now, it wasn’t anything good though.

As they kept talking he had eaten a slight bit more, but he suddenly felt bile in his throat so he excused himself.

He leaned over the toilet as he squeezed his eyes shut, he didn’t understand, the kind voice he was so accustomed to was gonna only left with a taunting one.

_ ‘C’mon Felix, you know you’re a bit too fat, would it really be hard to bring it back up? Don’t be a coward.’ _

_ ‘They don’t love you now, they probably never will, but they might keep you if you do this.’ _

_ ‘You want to be loved don’t you? Imagine how disappointing they’d be if they found out you were to much of a coward to do this.’ _

The voice was so new and cruel, but Felix listened anyway.


	3. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It never stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya~ last update for this week, I know it isn’t a great story but I enjoy writing it.  
PLEASE READ:  
Just a few things.  
•This chapter is short for a reason.  
•I’ve been experimenting with writing styles so I try to make each chapter feel like your inside their head.  
•Writing dialogue without it sounding flat is hard.  
•You’re never alone <3

Felix had loved Hyunjin the moment they met, it was a pity that the older was way out of his league.

He remembered back when they first met, Hyunjin had been the friendliest in the sense that even if he could barely communicate with Felix at all at first, he made gestures to make Felix laugh, and the younger was happy to say it made him feel less alone. Though after about a week of non stop studying his korean come on leaps on from then on communication was for the most part, a cake walk.

Felix loved how open Hyunjin was with them, he was always honest and was never afraid to ask for help, Felix admires how the older always takes everything in his stride.

He loved how Hyunjin always tried to make people smile, and would become all huffy when it didn’t work, Felix noticed how secretly caring he was, even if he never exclaimed it himself, it was clear he was one of the kindest people you’d ever meet.

Felix honestly never expected the team to want to be close with him, he was over the moon that they were a now a family, but to this day he still didn’t know what caused Hyunjin to go out of his way so much to see the younger and make him smile.

Felix remembered the first time Hyunjin opened up about a real problem, Felix had been shocked but thankful that Hyunjin trusted him enough to tell him things, he never really thought about how the older having amazing visuals would affect him in negative ways. 

After that Felix admired him even more and they happily grew closer, though Felix never tried to think about his feelings for Hyunjin to often, when he did he tried to keep it short and curt, he hated dwelling on it.

-

Over the next week Felix got worse, all the members noticed by this point, his clothes hung of his thin frame nowadays, nothing seemed to fit him properly anymore, the sunshine was secretly proud of this fact, but it still wasn’t enough.

As he went over his morning ritual of picking himself apart in the mirror he couldn’t help but hate what he saw, you could see so many of his ribs now, but he still looked so fat, he didn’t understand why he wasn’t skinny!

For the past week the soft and cruel voice had been taking turns on whose day it was to take control, when softie took control he wouldn’t eat the entire day and feel unaccomplished, when cruel took over he would eat, then puke it back up right away, he still felt unaccomplished at the end of the day, but seeing that the food was truly gone made him feel some form of satisfaction.

Felix had never been bothered about his weight, he used to only care how fat he looked, but since cruel came up on the scene the numbers on the scale were just another thing holding him back.

-44kg-

He could go lower.

-

Though nobody talked about it, the absence of the groups sunshine was noted by everyone at breakfast.

Nobody really understood why Felix was acting the way he was these days, if they thought he was bad before, he was impossible now.

When Chan had asked him he said what he always said ‘I’m fine, you worry too much’.

-

Felix hated how much life didn’t make sense these days, he hated living in his mind everyday, wondering if anything was ever really worth it._ ‘It’s what you deserve’_

Wondering if his members ever really did love him? _‘Why would they love you Felix?_

Wondering why he was so useless, why couldn’t he be talented like the others?_ ‘You don’t deserve talent.’_

Wondering if there was any point in him being in the group. 

Being afraid of them abandoning him, just like everyone else did.

In the end he hated the cycle he lived in, he was grateful to the voices but at the same time he grew to despise them, atleast the nagging one. 

The nagging voice never stopped, it was constantly talking in his ear and making his brain feel foggy, it made him feel tired, it made him feel so far away from reality,he hated that it made him stuck in his own head. 

He was afraid to tell them, simply because he knew they’d leave him. Nobody wants a freak as it is, why would people as amazing as them keep him if they found out?

So in the end he kept on listening, it destroyed him but he listened, he was afraid to be happy, that was the one thing he would openly admit.

-  
He didn’t mean for anyone to find out, no one was meant to know.  
-  
Felix leaned over the toilet bowl again putting his fingers to the back oh his throat. This has become a habit of sorts, he knew exactly what to do without even thinking.

He gagged and coughed but nothing came out. He pinched himself in frustration feeling tears start to form.

Why?

Why wouldn’t it just work? The voices had been loudly silent for the past couple of days and he was so scared. He was so used to not engaging in conversations anymore that he was afraid to. He felt lonely with the voices but with them gone he really felt like there was nobody. His found comfort in the way the soft voice reassured him and how the cruel voice yelled at him, telling him the truth, he missed the nag that was usually in his ear, now he could only feel the fog in his mind. He was so scared, he just didn’t know what to do anymore, he couldn’t tell them, he wanted to be skinny but at the same time he was tired of living like this, he didn’t know what he wanted anymore and it scared him. It scared him so much.

He sighed and wiped the tears from eyes as he stood up and unlocked the bathroom door, walking out as quietly as possible only to collide with another person.

-

To say Hyunjin was worried would be the understatement of the century.

For the past couple of weeks now he watches his best friend disappear before his eyes, he wasn’t even skin and bone anymore, he was just bone. It scared him to death. It scared all the members to death.

Hyunjin wasn’t stupid, by this point he knew something was seriously wrong, but finding out what seemed so fucking hard.

Over the few weeks Felix became less clingy, he stopped making funny quips, he became a shell of himself, always at the studio, never eating, never sleeping and unintentionally terrifying his members.

Over this time Hyunjin had decided to do some research with the help of Seungmin. Over this time they finally realised what was probably wrong with their sunshine.

Body dysmorphia.

Thinking about it made Hyunjin feel angry. How could Felix feel like this? Ever since he met the younger he had been skinny, not that it even mattered to Hyunjin how he looked but it was a fact. 

But something that angered Hyunjin more was that Felix apparently didn’t trust them enough to ask them for help.

Thinking back now the signs had been there for awhile, but Hyunjin could never imagine his sunshine feeling that down in himself. He had known Felix had depression, Chan had told the team on the sunshine’s behalf, so it wasn’t a secret he could be a bit to hard on himself, but the members were always there to stop that, but this was all so new they didn’t know what to do, or rather, they were scared too make a wrong move.

In the end he felt sad because he couldn’t understand what would drive someone, especially his sunshine, to hurt themselves in this way, trying to “fix” something that never needed fixed in the first place. Maybe it hurt more because Hyunjin knew how wrong it was and apparently Felix didn’t.

-

Hyunjin jumped as he collided with another person, expecting it to be Chan he let out a quick “sorry hyung.”

“Do I look that old in the dark?” Felix smiled humorously as he whispered tilting his head at the taller, “sorry for walking into you hyung.” He went to carries on walking .

Hyunjin didn’t realise he’d regret not saying something more than he’d realise.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It goes on and on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope whoever reading is having a good week. I’ve been super unmotivated about writing lately but I really wanted to continue so it’s not great, apologies for the crappy, not largely wow chapter.

Usually Hyunjin woke up the overly bright light shining through the dorm curtains, he didn’t see why this morning had to be any different. So waking up to Seungmin jumping on him irritated him. 

“Seungmin you’re a lucky I love you or we’d have serious problems.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes as he pushed the younger of his legs.

“Always knew you loved me hyung, it’s sunny today so Chan hyung said we could go to the pool!” Seungmin laughed as he pulled Hyunjin out of bed revealing his bed hair.

“Oh be quiet, when are we going then?” Hyunjin rolled his eyes as he walked over to her some clothes.

“In around an hour, so hurry up!” Seungmin raced out the room after that, Hyunjin guessed it was to go squash whoever was still asleep. Hyunjin sighed as he started getting changed. It has been awhile since any of them had went swimming, as he starting to wake up more he started to look forward it. He smiled as he threw a backpack onto his surprisingly neat bed, gather stuff later, breakfast first.

The only members in the living room were Felix and Changbin, Hyunjin guesses they were the first victims.

“Did Seungmin wake you guys up or what?” Hyunjin tilted his head as he sat beside Felix, the shorter passing him a Capri Sun.

“Nah I woke up before him. Changbin was the first victim.” They both sniggered as the oldest between them groaned. 

“It’s to early! Seriously I don’t how to two can chirpily drink a Capri sun at seven thirty in the morning!”

“You seem passionate about your side of the argument hyung so I think we’ll let you have this one. Although I have to say drinking Capri Sun’s do make you feel younger, right Jinnie?” Felix put his head on the others shoulder as he waited for a response.

“You make us sound so old.” Hyunjin laughed as he ran a hand through the younger’s hair.

Felix sat up and cracked his neck looking from Changbin to Hyunjin. “I. Am. Old.”

Changbin started laughing at that, “That is scary! I know Woojin hyung said you were old before your time but I don’t think even he realised how right he was.” Felix glared angrily at the older as he started hitting him with a cushion, “you take that back!”

“Don’t do that to your neck, you’ll hurt it, besides don’t worry Lix, Woojin hyung didn’t really say that about you, he said it about Changbin.” 

“”Of course you’d take his side. You two are just mean.” Changbin crosses his arms as the other two giggled, “You’re not even denying it, hyung!” Felix and Hyunjin giggled as Changbin rolled his eyes and put his empty bowl of cereal in the basin, “I’m gonna go get ready, don’t break anything until someone else comes in.”

“Oh ye of such little faith.” Hyunjin snorted as Felix started laughing, “I live in a house of drama queens.” 

Hyunjin just shrugged and smiled, “what do you think made Seungmin want to go swimming?”

“Huh?”

Hyunjin stifled laughter, “why did you think he was going around waking everyone up?”

“I mean, it’s a pretty Seungmin thing to do, so what are we doing today exactly?”

“Swimming, have to admit I’m kinda liking forward to it, we haven’t done it since Melbourne.”

“I’m busy today.” Felix shrugged and looked back at the tv.

“There is no way you are busy! We decided we’d do group bonding today!”

“What about Minho?”

“It’s not like we’re gonna force him to actually swim, he’s be content drowning Jisung.”

Felix laughed, “Suppose that is true, but I have studying to do, dances to practice and weight to lose so I’ll have to skip.” 

“What weight? There’s nothing to you as it is.” Hyunjin poked Felix’s ribs.

“Ha sure, anyways I’m gonna head out for a run, try not to leave before I get back if you can help it. Felix smiled as he picked up his phone from the counter and walked out the door.

-

He isn’t exactly sure how long he ran for, his mind seemed to have gone blank until his body started to tire from the unexpected sprint. He walked around until he found a park bench to sit on.

One thing Felix could never understand about the voices is how they always seemed to come back. He first got them six years ago, in that time he had relapsed eight times, if he got better each time, how did it keep coming back? He just wanted to not feel sad anymore. He wanted to step telling himself that the voices were friendly when in reality he knew what they were, he was just afraid to admit he had problems so calling them voices made them seem less problematic in a sense. 

At the end of the day he knew it was wrong, he knew it wasn’t normal, but this had been his reality so many times that he didn’t bother to ask for help. He knew over time he’d get better on his own so there was no point in worrying the members, but every time it came back it seemed to get worse and worse. He knew the anorexia would kill him one day if he didn’t stop, he knew he could talk to the members about the depression, about how it made him feel worthless and sad all the time, deep down he knew they wouldn’t judge but it was so hard to really believe it. The thing that seemed to hurt him the least was anxiety, it’d been around for so long that he knew how to deal with it best, that doesn’t mean when it bites it isn’t hard, he just knows what he needs to make it better.

He wonders if there had ever been a time when he had truly been okay. He had been diagnosed with anxiety when he was ten, at that age most kids didn’t have a worry in the world, but Felix had been afraid. 

He knew it had been hard on his parents, to have a freak as a child, he didn’t blame them for the things they said, they had been cruel, but they never cast him out, he was thankful for that much.

But in the end is it really worth it? Going through all this just to be okay for a couple of months? In the end they would wouldn’t care if he was dead, they’d be okay, they never really needed him. His real family wouldn’t care and it wasn’t like he had a pet that needed him, he wasn’t needed, he wasn’t loved, he was unless and he was tolerated.

He put his head in his hands letting a few tears fall, why couldn’t he be happy and normal like everyone else? Why was he like this? Why did it ever start? Why does it never really go away?

“Felix!”

-

Jeongin hated how Felix was suffering on his own, he’d never admit it, but he was more observant than he let on.

He hadn’t been sure why the lilac haired boy had walked out the dorm and started running, it Felix’s defence it could have been an innocent morning run, but what he said to Hyunjin had been biting at him, so he took his hoodie saying he wanted to have a run with Felix, they’d been planning to start going together for a while so the excuse seemed real enough.

As he ran after his friend he tried to stay a little behind, he wanted to know why the older was running away, the concern and curiosity mixed into an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, Felix had always been good at hiding how he felt, that didn’t mean he never slipped up, every time the older had said something off or suspicious starting to race through the maknae’s mind. Jeongin wondered if Felix knew where he was running too, Jeongin saw familiar buildings but he didn’t know the place well enough to navigate it properly.

He was more than relieved when the older stopped running and sat down, happy that he could catch his breath, now he had a different problem though, he didn’t want to best ‘round the bush, but starting a conversation about something heavy like that isn’t an easy thing to do.

He took a deep breath before yelling the others name.

-

Why out of everyone that could have followed him did it have to be him?

He loved Jeongin to death, but he wasn’t in the best mood and he didn’t want to snap at his little brother, he would rather not do it at any of them, but snapping at Jeongin, sweet caring Jeongin, would be a whole new level of pathetic.

“Hey Innie! Why are you here exactly?” Felix looked up and smiled, hoping the tear marks weren’t noticeable.  
-  
“Hyung, can I ask you something?” He sighed as he sat beside the smaller, he let himself smile for a moment at that, remembering Felix’s jokingly angry face as he pulled his small hand away from the younger’s.

“It’s so tiny~” The wide smiles the two shared as Felix hugged him filled him with sadness.

Looking back now Jeongin wondered if Felix had felt sad then too, he wondered if the other has ever been happy without a voice of doubt in the back of his mind.  
-  
“If this is about homework you know you didn’t have to come running after me to ask about it.” Felix smiled as he ruffled the younger’s hair.

“Have you been starving yourself, hyung? Be honest with me, please.” Jeongin looked at Felix with sad eyes, Felix hated seeing him like that, the younger shouldn’t have to be sad because of him, but of course the youngest was the only one that knew anything about Felix’s situation, Jeongin had caught him trying to be sick at 2am, not one of Felix’s proudest moments he must admit.

“No I’m fine! Don’t worry about it, you know we’ve been busy lately so I’ve been eating out, seriously don’t worry about it, let’s head back, yeah?” 

With that the two walked back, friendly teasing easing the tension.

-

There were probably less maniac ways of talking to Seungmin in private, in hindsight yelling he needed Seungmin to check if his pillow was ripe enough would probably give them more backlash then locking the door without saying anything would.

“I’m worried about Felix, Minnie.” Hyunjin couldn’t exactly beat around the bush, he’d seen how distant the younger was lately, and the conversation this morning just made it sky rocket.

“I think everyone is Jinnie, don’t you think it’s time we tell them what we think might be wrong? He doesn’t seem to be getting better, keeping it a secret might do more harm than good.”

“But how exactly do we start a conversation like that? There is no simple way to say ‘oh yes guys Felix has self esteem lower than negative one hundred and we think he’s starving himself, red light, green light, swag!’” Hyunjin waves his arms around in exasperation.

“We could always try and hint I guess?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow at the older.  
-

He didn’t really understand why he acted the way he did sometimes, it was like his body went on autopilot leaving his brain to scream in protest, he hated how he pushed them away, but in the end it was the only thing he really knew how to do.

He picked up the dice and rolled again moving his cat to May Park, they were playing monopoly, again, he wasn’t fully sure why they kept playing it, considering last time the board accidentally got flipped, but he was happy they did, when he was around them he forgot about everything and felt like himself.

“Why won’t anyone buy it already?!” Minho being the poorest in the game couldn’t but it himself, he he decided he wanted to live through the others.

“Because last time we did a certain fox jumped up in anger and flipped the fucking board.” Woojin rolled his eyes good naturedly as the group laughed at Jeongin’s red face.

“You guys are so mean!” Jeongin fell dramatically back onto the floor.

“Aww~ is our little fox sad?” Felix lies on top of the younger and poked him, the group just sat there in hysterics.

“I will fight you hyung.” Jeongin growled and pushed Felix off of him, the older yelped in surprise as Jeongin straddled his waist and intertwined their fingers. “How the tables have turned!” 

Felix smiled and rolled his eyes bringing his knee up to hit the other in the back. “Just because you’re y’all doesn’t mean you’ll win!” Felix smiled mischievously as Minho dragged Jeongin off of Felix and the whole group tickled their maknea.

After a couple minutes of pure laughter the group dispersed and went back to their original seats.

“Why is it always me?” Jeongin groaned and put his face in his hands, finally breathing properly.

“Because we love you~” Jisung cooed at the younger making him groan again.

When the group decided to call it a night Felix decided to stay in the living room a while longer, listening to the silence.

Now that he was finally alone again the voices rushed back. He felt tears in his eyes, he doesn’t understand why he’s like this, he never asked to be like this. It all felt so unfair, but at the same time he was glad it was him and not any of the other members. 

He didn’t understand how the feeling could be so strong, it literally drowned him.

He wanted to be good enough for them, the problem was he never would be. He’d never be a good visual, he was too fat. He’d never be a good dancer, his moves never looked right, he looked like a flailing starfish. He’d never be a good vocalist, his voice sounding as gross as quenching mud. He’d never be a good rapper, his voice was just too unpleasant. 

Felix didn’t know what the others seemed to see in him that cause them to keep him around , the voices told him it was pity, he believed the voices for the most part, but a small part of him hoped so desperately that it was because they wanted him. He never did think that would be the case, but he hoped.

He sat curled up in blankets when the faint light from the hallway spilled in as the door opened. Felix felt the bed dip slightly as another person lied on the bed, he stiffened as the other person hugged him from behind, he thought it was Seungmin but he wasn’t completely sure.

“We love you y’know.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in the end who is your biggest enemy? It’s probably yourself if you think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been so long since the last update:( it’s been a ruff few months and I haven’t felt like writing but I’ve slowly gotten motivation back! Beware half of this cheater has been lying in my drafts for months so it isn’t great but I guess it’s better than nothing?
> 
> 6 days till Levanter~
> 
> Hope everyone is doing good!

Felix is no stranger to feeling like no one will rescue him.

He’s has spent so many nights curled up under the covers crying his heart out as silently as possible. It works well, the thick covers shield his despair away (Minho would never guess about Felix’s nightly routine), the raging headache comforted by the cold covers as he lies there in his despair.

Where did it all go wrong? His emotions are on an endless loop these days, his life is just a broken record, going on and on about the same line until it becomes so irritating you throw it out.

He didn’t really understand why he acted the way he did sometimes, it was like his body went on autopilot leaving his brain to scream in protest, he hated how he pushed them away, but in the end it was the only thing he really knew how to do.

Now that he was finally alone again the voices rushed back. He felt tears in his eyes, he doesn’t understand why he’s like this, he never asked to be like this. It all felt so unfair, but at the same time he was glad it was him and not any of the other members. 

He didn’t understand how the feeling could be so strong, it literally drowned him.

He wanted to be good enough for them, the problem was he never would be. He’d never be a good visual, he was too fat. He’d never be a good dancer, his moves never looked right, he looked like a flailing starfish. He’d never be a good vocalist, his voice sounding as gross as quenching mud. He’d never be a good rapper, his voice was just too unpleasant. 

Felix couldn’t recall exactly when depression because apart of his life, if you asked him, he’d say it has always been there. And he hated it. He really did.

He hated the way he doubted if his members ever did want him or really love him, if they kept him out of pity or were ashamed of him.

He hated how it would make his mind have a heaviness that could last weeks.

He hated how it made him jumpy and meek.

He hated how unsure he was of every single little thing. Especially his own talents.

He hated how he thought every little whisper was a bad whisper about him.

He hated how it would make him cold for days on end, burying himself in multiple hoodies just so that he didn’t feel like the South Pole.

He hated how much he hated himself. He hated it because he knew he was worthless, but he wishes he wasn’t. He hated it because he knew nobody could ever really love him, but he wished they could. He hated it because he subconsciously pushes people away, but he knew they would leave him if they got to know him anyway.

In short, Felix felt like he couldn’t cope anymore.

-

Felix sighed as he stood up from his finishing pose, he picked up his phone from the counter of the dance studio and scrolled through it aimlessly. It was the early hours of the morning, but he didn’t care.

In his defence it had been a hard day for him, the heavy feeling in his head had been nagging at him all day.

In reality the day had been a pretty normal one, but it was the way he felt that made it hard.

It started with the fact he had only gotten an hour of sleep, it wasn’t usual these days, but it did get him a nagging from concerned members. Then they had a group dance practice, it went as normal, but when he looked in the mirror he hated what he saw, and every move he did felt wrong and to him, looked shit. The group practice ended around 3pm, him and Minho decided to stay behind for solo practice, at 6pm they were meant to get lunch together, but Felix ended up not leaving so Minho ended up bringing food to him, keeping a watchful eye as he eventually persuaded the younger to eat, not that he ate much.  
-  
He was still here in the dance practice room, he literally hadn’t left.

He didn’t see any issue with it, it was around 1am now so he knew most of the members would be clocking in for the night, another hour or so ,then he’d go home. He sat down for a minute letting himself have a water break when the door swung open.

“Seriously?! You’re still here?” Suengmin’s angry face probably would have been more concerning if his eyes weren’t full of worry.

“I was gonna head back soon anyway? Shouldn’t you be asleep Minnie?” Felix tilted his head at the younger as Seungmin day beside him.

“Coming from you that’s rich.” Seungmin scoffed then reached for the others hand, “Why are you here so late? We were all worried and Woojin burnt through a plastic bowl when he used the microwave, we missed you.”

Felix laughed softly, “What was he trying to make?”

“He tried melting an aero bar. Turns out they don’t melt, they just straight up burn.” Seungmin shrugged, his face full of confusion before looking back at Felix. “That’s not the important part though. Why are you here so late?”

“I mean I don’t see how that’s not important.” Felix shrugged swinging around Seungmin and his own hands.

“Shut up and tell me. You literally have no reason to be here.” Seungmin rolled his eyes.

“It’s a dance practice room. I have plenty of reason to be here.”

“Solo practice shouldn’t last this long. It’s not like you need the practice anyway.”

“My dancing isn’t up to scratch, so yes I do need to practice. Besides making choreo is fun.” Felix shrugged and Seungmin rested his chin on Felix’s shoulder looking up at him.

“Lix you don’t have to practice you’re dancing is amazing! And I get making choreo is fun and is relaxing for you but it’s unhealthy how long you’ve been here without giving yourself a proper break.” Suengmin frowned and squeezed Felix’s hand.

“Just give me five minutes Minnie that’s all I need?” Felix smiled sadly at the younger.

Seungmin rolled his eyes and pulled Felix up, “Nope we’re heading back right now before they burn the entire dorm.”

Felix stiffled a laugh at that, but the disappointment burned furiously in his stomach.

It hurts, it hurts a lot. He doesn’t understand why no one can see the hurting, he knows he hides it but god he just wished someone would suspect that he wasn’t okay. But what would he do then? He’d lie anyway. He just digs his one grave deeper and everyday he’s more and more ready to enter it.


	6. -Notice-

I’m hoping to continue this soon, I haven’t touched this in six months simply because it’s something personal that I didn’t write well, I want to contribute it though because it’s a fic I wanted to write, it’s been seven months and I hope I’ll write it better now, or atleast be able to have even one person like it and remember it.

Have a good day <3

-Sphonza


End file.
